Andrew was very good at DIY. Sadly I’m not so good. ‘Doing It Yourself’  has taken on a whole new meaning now that I’m doing it myself, without him. He had a workshop that was neat and orderly. Now it’s a dumping ground for stuff I can’t find space for in the rest of the house. There are tools for every possible situation but I struggle to find a simple screw driver to change a battery. I feel inadequate and useless. I want to scream and often do at the frustration of not being able to get a quick fix. Things taken for granted before seem such a chore now. Taking the rubbish out, washing up after I’ve made tea, glueing stuff back together, changing light bulbs, bleeding the radiators… Please come back Andrew and help me. I need you! I need you to tell me where that screwdriver has got to. I need you to tell me how to fix the security light to the outside of the wall. I need you to help me cut the hedge back. You did all of those things while I was making tea, bathing the kids, shopping…. Now I’m faced with doing your jobs too. That’s not fair! Stop shirking your duties. Don’t leave it all for me too do. Granted good friends and family are helping. Their kindness has made me cry.  But I have to ask. I have to make a call for it to happen. You would just do. You would do a better job than me. I suspect you would be disappointed with my efforts. I should have taken more notice. I should have taken down notes. I shouldn’t be doing it by myself.


One thought on “DIY

  1. Julie Lovely Jubbly says:

    Stop torturing yourself.
    You can only do, or be the best you possibly can.
    I have never relied on anyone.
    I couldn’t.
    (My dad fucked off way too soon, my mum lost her independence way too soon)
    Now you have to find your strength to do you and your kiddies… and keep strong.
    It’s a mentally and physically hard journey.
    To lose someone too soon.. when all you wished for was a “lifetime” of being a couple.

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